on Reviewing
I'm realizing that I'm someone who appreciates having time to digest what I've consumed.
My original intent with this space was to have a place where I could process my thoughts and feelings... in "public". I still appreciate this idea. But reflecting on my process for the past few weeks, I don't think "first draft, final draft" is working for me.
For a long time, I've felt a keen sensitivity that whatever is published on the internet is a public thing. And that does scare me... Even though I doubt the likelihood of actual people in my life finding this space without my own leading. Maybe it's something difficult for me to shrug off - the idea of being seen/found by people, whether friend or stranger.
Separately, I wonder if my perfectionism also plays a part. Reading back on first drafts - even if these drafts felt inspired in the moment - generally make me cringe.
I've been finding that I enjoy giving a piece of work some distance. I like the ability to refine and rework in private. It's almost as if pushing the "publish" button means that I'm revoking my right to further edits.
I also enjoy coming back to a draft, after doing some reading up / research on a particular subject. I really enjoying chewing on the context of something/someone. Once again, is this my perfectionism speaking? Do I feel that my opinion alone is not weighty enough to anchor a post?
Maybe.
I've realized that I treasure privacy immensely - perhaps an after effect of my upbringing. There's quite a lot of ambivalence involved here. On the one hand, I think that I want to be perceived. I want to engage with the world by telling other people about my ideas, my thoughts. On the other hand, whenever people walk up to me as I write a personal note down in public, I instinctively close the book. I cover the page. What does this say about me? I'm definitely not trustful of any old person that I enounter, haha.
After all that, I suppose what I want to say is that I truly appreciate having my own little private garden to tend to. I am curious about being more open about this process, but I think it's OK to explore this at another time.
edit 2: I came back to refine this post (29/3)... Sorry! I couldn't help it!